While the typical cookbook format gives you a recipe for obvious success it does not take into account the many ways in which its execution can fail due to the cook's lack of experience. Based on Aleksandra Mir's personal history of cooking disasters, this project invites 1000 people from all around the world to give their advice on how NOT to cook. With this volume, any reader will be more than well equipped to avoid making the same mistakes in their kitchen.
Aleksandra Mir is interested in how we are taught or teach ourselves through trial and error. By making our guilty failures public we may even be creating an original and subversive form of art, rather than simply be aspiring to obvious and repetitive results.
--Kate Gray, Collective Gallery, Edinburgh
THE HOW NOT TO COOKBOOK
Do not put marshmallows in your omelette even if there is nothing else in the house to eat.
Do not buy mass-produced frozen vegetables and microwave them in a casserole dish in 3 inches of water for 5 minutes.
Do not consider doing a cooking show where the ingredients seem suddenly prepared like in a Julia Child show. Do not use a ceiling fan as a food processor--it will be such a mess that hard hats will be considered a necessary piece of safety equipment.
Do not heat Pop Tarts in the microwave with the wrapper on.
Do not mix marinara sauce, refried beans and ranch dressing. Even if you are broke and think it will taste good with tortilla chips.
Do not mix orange juice and milk together in an attempt to create an orange flavoured milk-drink known in the USA as Yo-J. It forms a precipitate. If you do, you should absolutely not put it in the microwave. It will smell like vomit.
Do not think you have to buy your produce at a supermarket. Instead go to the farmer's market and make dinner with some of their fresh bounty--European style! They have great greens, which are always good sautéed with some garlic, olive oil and chilli flakes. You may discover that you love talking to the farmers and learning where your food is coming from!
Do not use butter in the crust when making Gravel Pie.
Do not, under any circumstance, decide that it is a wise decision to serve Frozen Fruit Casserole at a social event. Frozen Fruit Casserole is mayonnaise and canned fruit cocktail combined in a shallow casserole dish, frozen, and then served with a dollop of whipped cream.
Do not think that fruit stew, sometimes called Frew, is a good idea. A Frew recipe places a variety of fruits (such as apples, oranges, and berries), nuts (almonds, walnuts), yogurts (blueberry, peach), water and cinnamon sticks in a slow cooker to cook for some hours.
If you do not add extra ingredients to a can of pasta sauce, like basil and garlic, you are not utilizing the full potential of the sauce.
If you want a cheese sauce, do not put cheese cubes and water in a bowl and microwave them.
NEVER poke a Bratwurst, it will leak all the juices out. Midwesterners advise to keep a bowl of water near the grill while cooking Bratwurst to dip your fingers in and rotate the Brats by hand, no tongs and no pokey instruments. Wet fingertips only!
Pancakes only require a little amount of baking powder, if you over do it they will be completely inedible.
When making blueberry pancakes, do not mix the blueberries into the batter. The batter will turn purplish gray and the blueberries will break, resulting in a mushy texture. Instead, you should drop the blueberries into the pancakes after pouring the batter onto the hot skillet.
When making oatmeal do not quickly go to check your emails.
Whatever you do, do not cook like the English.
When a friend asks for your famous Pimento Cheese Spread recipe, neatly type out the ingredients:
8 ounces of grated Kraft's Aged Reserve cheese
1 small jar (4 ounces) of diced pimentos, drained
1 cup of Duke's mayonnaise
1 teaspoon of sugar
Since it contains only four ingredients, the use of those ingredients, and only those, is obviously what makes the recipe so much better than any other. Do not use a sweet mayonnaise rather than Duke's, do not use a cheap, store brand medium-sharp cheese instead of the Kraft Aged Reserve specified and do not leave out the sugar. Do not forget to drain the pimentos. If you do not follow the recipe, do not complain that "It does not taste anything like the original recipe."
EROTICA
Never cook naked. You will get hot fat on your chest and you never know what will happen from behind.
Be careful with erotic tomfoolery in the kitchen, splashes of hot oil can cause very unpleasant chain reactions.
Cooking 8" sausages on a BBQ surrounded by a bunch of homosexuals with unlimited free beer is not a good idea--at least not if you are straight.
Do not choke the chicken after having chopped hot peppers.
Do not cook if you are madly in love. At least be careful with salt. It is not a rumor. It is a fact.
Do not cook naked. Hot oil always finds its way to your most sensitive parts and that can hurt!
Do not fry a sausage when you have a boner.
Do not have sex while your hot potatoes are roasting.
Do not let your sensual pleasures distract you from the food.
It makes one feel almost as glamourous as Nigella Lawson to be swigging a large glass of spiced merlot whilst stirring up a romantic meal for two. The whole experience becomes very relaxing--warm and fuzzy. However, do not take such a blasé approach when preparing a Madhur Jaffrey recipe that requires chopped chillies and garlic. Your lover may arrive while your hands are covered in spices and before you know it you will both have burning crotches and no amount of scrubbing will get that smell of garlic out!
If you are about to prepare Beef Roulades for the first time in your life, send your partner out of the house. Or at least do not let yourself be seduced into forgetting about time and place. Do not close the door to the bedroom behind you. Otherwise you may remember your Roulades only when they have shrunken into tiny rolls of inedible dark substance. A couple of weeks later you might learn where the double meaning of "having a bun in the oven" comes from.
If you have been cutting chilli for a Thai Curry for your girlfriend, remember to give your hands a good wash before you start any bedroom athletics.
If you would like to send your suggestions for the next edition please visit THE HOW NOT TO COOK BOOK.
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